Dad,
You have to come back now. School is going to start soon and you have to seem me become a Junior in High School. I know, you weren't here for most of my First Days but still. You were here, in this world, loving me.
I grieve in my dreams, Daddy. I talk about you in reality with a smile and I resent anyone, anything, that makes me feel emotion. I avoid that deep, dark, sadness that threatens me with it's appereance. But at night..
I dream of you. In a hundred different ways so far.
Sometimes you're still alive and I beg you not to go to that far away place and die.
Sometimes you're already gone and I ask you about all these secret you've left behind.
Everytime, though, I realize it's my fault.
It's my fault you're dead.
But I cry only in my dreams.
To cry for real, in the world, in this reality..it hurts too bad.
But in my dreams I bawl, and scream, and let the tears just flow that need to flow..
People ask me where these black circles under my eyes came from.
It's because I dream of you. Every night.
see you soon.
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Letter #5- Last Chance
Dear Daddy,
Why didn't you listen to me? I called you the day before. I told you that..that dream, if that's what it was, and you promised- you promised- that you were coming back. But you didn't. And I was the last person on this Earth to talk to you. And God, I hate myself for that. Out of everyone in the world why did I get to be the last? What made me the right person to deserve to have that last conversation. And I know all my brothers resent that I was. And Uncle Jess does too. And Aunt Nette. And especially Mom. She says she's so happy I got to talk to you, but I see it in her eyes- "Why not me?"
And I had that chance to save you. And I tried. But I should have tried harder. For Momma. For my brothers. If I had tried harder they wouldn't have this atrocious pain. I could have saved them by saving you.
But I didn't.
And I'll never forget that it's all my fault. I robbed you of this Earth when I could have given it to you.
My God, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry to everyone.
If they knew they would hate me.
Like I hate myself.
Your daughter.
PS- I dyed some of my hair blue. You'd hate it.
Why didn't you listen to me? I called you the day before. I told you that..that dream, if that's what it was, and you promised- you promised- that you were coming back. But you didn't. And I was the last person on this Earth to talk to you. And God, I hate myself for that. Out of everyone in the world why did I get to be the last? What made me the right person to deserve to have that last conversation. And I know all my brothers resent that I was. And Uncle Jess does too. And Aunt Nette. And especially Mom. She says she's so happy I got to talk to you, but I see it in her eyes- "Why not me?"
And I had that chance to save you. And I tried. But I should have tried harder. For Momma. For my brothers. If I had tried harder they wouldn't have this atrocious pain. I could have saved them by saving you.
But I didn't.
And I'll never forget that it's all my fault. I robbed you of this Earth when I could have given it to you.
My God, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry to everyone.
If they knew they would hate me.
Like I hate myself.
Your daughter.
PS- I dyed some of my hair blue. You'd hate it.
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